Dr Phil #BitterGrudge: Mom Denies Abusing Her Daughter for Years
Can you imagine holding a grudge against one of your parents for years? That’s what happened to Dr Phil’s guest, Amber, who is 24 years old. She thinks that her mother Julie owes her an apology for the verbal, physical, and emotional abuse Amber endured over the years. However, Julie claims none of this ever happened.
Amber recalled being struck with a remote control at the age of 7. Though Julie remembered once breaking some dishes, she said she was never physically violent toward her children. But she was quick to remember the time Amber put her in a choke hold and the police were called.
Dr Phil: Sweeping Abuse Under the Rug
Is this daughter in the right for holding a grudge against her mother? She told Dr Phil her mother abused her for years, and now won’t admit to the past. (letgrowtherapy / flickr)
Amber’s version of the story is that she began fighting back as she got older. Now Julie does not understand why Amber wants to cut her mother out of her life and keep Julie away from her grandkids.
Amber also recalled being the victim of abuse at the hands of her parents’ houseguest when she was 9 years old. She claimed that her mother brushed off the allegations and blamed Amber for the incident. But Julie claimed she intervened immediately to remove the threat from their home. “We didn’t think anything was wrong, so we did not send her to counseling,” Julie said.
Dr Phil: Mother-Daughter Cycle of Abuse
Dr Phil offered Amber an apology for the abuse she has been through. Amber felt that her mother was dismissive and seemed “disgusted with me.” To this day, Amber says her parents nag her to let go of this incident of abuse from her past. “I’m very sorry that we didn’t handle it the way that we should have,” Julie said.
Julie recalled being beaten by her adoptive mother when she was growing up, for infractions like “not eating fast enough.” She was also choked with a telephone cord, and at age 15 she was threatened with a knife. Julie managed to escape and never returned to the home. She set out to give her children a different experience growing up.
Dr Phil: Taking Ownership of Your Past Actions
Dr Phil pointed out that both of these young women ran away at age 15, after being abused by their mothers. “I have ownership in this and I’m completely willing to take it,” Julie said, dabbing tears from her eyes. But Amber still wasn’t satisfied that her mother fessed up to everything.
In the end, Dr Phil got Julie and Amber to admit that the past was not perfect. Both of them had some responsibility for that. Dr Phil referred to Julie as “a little stiff,” suggesting that she learn to let some things go. “It just seems to me that there’s a lot of room for forgiveness and hitting the reset button here,” he added.
Dr Phil: Therapy & Aftercare for Family Trauma
That does not mean that there aren’t wounds that need to be addressed, like the traumatic abuse Amber was put through by a family friend at age 9. Dr Phil extended an offer of specialized aftercare to Amber, and she accepted that opportunity.
In addition, he suggested that Amber and Julie attend therapy jointly to find common ground and move forward in their relationship. “That’s what we came here for,” Julie said. This opportunity to heal may bring an end to the cycle of abuse in this family.
If you are a victim of abuse who needs help, in an emergency, you should always dial 911. For additional resources, connect with The National Domestic Violence Hotline at thehotline.org or by calling 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
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